my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
