What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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