I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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