I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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