Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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