Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
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