Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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