Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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