She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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