then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
