I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
