Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
