If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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