Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
