If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
