I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
