I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
