Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
