I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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