I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
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I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
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Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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