Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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