Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
