So drunk its hurt
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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