She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
