i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
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Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
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I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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