DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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