Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
