Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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