Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
