Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
