Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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