You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I can't put those talents on a resume
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
