it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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