my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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