My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
