Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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