i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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