I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
