I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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