Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
you will always have a special place in my vag
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
