dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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