U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
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She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
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What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.