did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
if only i could text you this smell
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
