And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
