my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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