I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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