I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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