While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
