I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
