I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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