just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
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I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
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I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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