well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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