oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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