After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
