Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
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I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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