i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
its liver damage thursday
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
