great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
